I read a Facebook post today which really made me laugh about the rules of “Fat Club”, I’ve shared it on my Facebook page if you want to check it out. The reason it made me laugh so much is because it’s all TRUE!
Fat Club is unlike any other club you’ll ever join, because it’s a place where you can do the following;
I think I admire my Weight Watchers more than anyone else in the world, because every week she smiles and nods and manages to avoid shouting “what a crock of s**t” at the top of her voice.
Week after week (and I include myself in this) people who are good, honest and decent people, the type of people who would help an old lady across the road, who bought a red nose for Comic Relief and instill the virtues of telling the truth to their children, stand before another human being and lie.
Picture the scene, it's a draughty church hall, there's a line of people wearing their lightest close and flip flops despite the weather and they have a look of slight fear and dread on their faces. The conversations in the room go something like this;
Fat Club Guru; “have you had a good week?”
You; “yes, I’ve stuck to the plan all week”
Fat Club Guru: “you’ve put 3 pounds on”
You: (*looking sad and shocked and gutted*) “WHAATTTTTT???? I don’t know how that happened, I genuinely don’t know how I’ve managed to put 3 pounds on. I’m gutted”
If you’re a real pro at the “FCL” (Fat Club Lie) you manage to shake your head as you put your shoes, jumper, belt, earrings, bracelet back on… all the things you took off in the vague hope that when you got on the scales your week of lies wouldn’t show up! You then walk off looking sad, disappointed and a little dejected.
The first time you do it, it feels strange, slightly odd, there’s adrenaline coursing through your veins! Like the first time you drink alcohol or smoke a cigarette when you’re a teenager! There’s a sense of danger, the thrill you are obviously flouting the rules.
The lie ..... it’s only a little one, like the one you tell your mum,
Mum; “Have you been smoking?”
You: “No, there were some older kids at the party they were smoking”
You know, she knows your lying, you know you’re lying, but will she say? Will you crumble and tell the truth? Will she challenge you? Will some kind of thunderbolt actually strike you down?
|Not actual scene from my teenage years, I was never hit by a thunderbolt.|
It doesn’t….no one says a thing…. You’re home dry and then (SPOILER ALERT) just like Kevin Spacey at the end of “The Usual Suspects”, the moment you leave Fat Club and your out of view of the Leader, your swagger returns, your hunched sad shoulders straighten, the smile dances around your lips and you get in the car and turn Bruno mars up full blast (*Bruno Mars is optional in this scenario)
You’ve done it!
Now all you have to do is drive to a chip shop just far enough from class that none of your fellow conspirators might see you, but close enough to home that your chips don't end up cold!
NOTE FROM KATIE– I’m writing this for a friend, I’ve never resorted to such treachery!